Marital Love

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Understanding Love

Aristotle and Aquinas offer foundational definitions of love. Aristotle describes it as “wanting that which is good for another,” while Aquinas states, “To love is to will the good of another.” These perspectives highlight that true love involves a conscious effort to benefit another person, surpassing mere desire or fleeting emotions. Mature love is thus a deliberate choice to support the beloved’s well-being, acknowledging their intrinsic value.

Philosopher Josef Pieper further elaborates that love signifies the approval and affirmation of the other’s existence. This concept underscores the necessity of giving oneself to enhance the beloved’s nature, which also helps the giver become more fully realized. For one to love fully, they must first possess a degree of self-mastery, free from impulsive or superficial cultural influences.

The Role of Will in Love

Mature love is fundamentally a choice that transforms natural attractions and familial bonds into deeper commitments through deliberate decisions. In the context of marriage and family life, love becomes a continuous decision to prioritize the spouse and nurture the relationship, thus deepening emotional bonds through consistent actions. Philosopher Roger Scruton notes that this second stage of love matures and perfects the initial phase of attraction, forging a more enduring connection.

Reader: Please summarise in your own words.

 

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Marital Bond and its Goods

**Unity:** Spouses share a unique belonging to each other, even more than to their children.

**Indissolubility:** Marriage is a lasting gift of oneself, a promise that persists through time and change.

**Openness to Life:** Couples embrace fertility and make selfless decisions regarding family size.

The Meaning of “I Do”

When couples say “I do,” they commit to nurturing their love by choosing each other daily, sharing their lives, educating their children, and embracing a shared identity. Love sustains marriage, and marriage, in turn, sustains love, especially during difficult times. Recalling the marital covenant helps couples rebuild their love when emotions wane or distractions arise.

The Meaning of Marriage

Marriage is an integral part of humanity’s original blueprint, not subject to cultural fluctuations. It involves a binding union open to new life, fostering mutual help and understanding essential for raising children. This union, grounded in love and commitment, transcends mere contractual agreements, aiming to fulfill the deepest desires for lifelong companionship.

Communication within Marriage

Effective communication is crucial in marriage, yet many couples struggle with it. Understanding gender differences in communication styles can bridge gaps. Men often communicate to exchange information and solve problems, while women use conversation to build rapport and assess relationship dynamics.

Women may use questions to deepen connections and express unspoken concerns. Men should be responsive with empathy rather than solutions. Conversely, men may find repeated discussions redundant, while women seek a “clean slate” through thorough communication.

Reader: Please summarise in your own words.

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Addressing Communication Errors

Non-verbal cues play a significant role in marital communication, often carrying more weight than words. Common communication errors include generalizations, rigidity, monopolizing conversations, not listening, negativity, bringing up past grievances, exaggerating minor issues, and adopting an all-or-nothing mindset.

The Law of Reciprocity

Marital happiness involves prioritizing the spouse’s needs, yielding cheerfully, and avoiding a transactional approach to shared responsibilities. Each partner should aim to give more than they receive, fostering an attitude of generosity and compromise.

The Art of Speaking and Listening

Effective communication balances openness and reserve. Over-sharing can be overwhelming, while thoughtful restraint can foster intimacy. Sensitive topics should be approached with affirmation, focus, positivity, and patience, avoiding immediate demands for responses.

Using “I” statements rather than “you” statements can prevent defensiveness and promote constructive dialogue. Timing and context are crucial for effective communication, ensuring both partners are calm and receptive.

Explicit Agreement in Marriage

Unspoken expectations can lead to misunderstandings. Couples should discuss their hopes and assumptions to prevent conflicts. When addressing sensitive issues, realistic requests, empathy, and clear agreements are essential for constructive resolutions.

Conclusion

Love, particularly in marriage, is a deliberate choice to will the good of the other, surpassing mere feelings or desires. Effective communication, mutual understanding, and a commitment to shared growth are fundamental to sustaining marital love. Through conscious effort and deliberate actions, couples can nurture a profound and enduring bond that fulfills their deepest longings for companionship and mutual support.

Reader: Please summarise in your own words.

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Family Life

Family life, particularly within marriage, involves continuous learning and adaptation. Couples must accommodate each other’s habits and personalities, often facing initial disagreements. Learning to handle conflicts effectively and making willing concessions are crucial for marital happiness, as pride can be a significant obstacle.

The home plays a central role in family life, providing a unique space filled with personal touches that foster a sense of belonging and security. For many, especially women, the home is an extension of themselves, emphasizing the importance of details and appearance.

Aristotle’s notion that humans are social animals supports the idea that marriage and family life develop essential human traits like intimacy and self-giving. While family life brings love and connection, it also involves vulnerability and potential suffering. Learning to endure and grow from these experiences is part of loving well.

Children transform married love into family love, enhancing the couple’s bond but also presenting challenges. The transition to parenthood varies in satisfaction, depending on the couple’s readiness and existing relationship dynamics. Fathers need ongoing engagement to bond with their children and spouse, while mothers must balance their maternal instincts with attention to their marriage.

Spousal love is the foundation of family life, taking precedence over other relationships, including those with children. Daily acts of love and affection are vital, especially during challenges. Small gestures, such as sharing smiles, engaging in conversations, and performing kind acts, help maintain a warm and loving household. By prioritizing their spouse and consistently performing acts of love, couples can sustain and deepen their relationship over time.

Reader: Please summarise in your own words.

————————————————- Host please facilitate the questions below for discussion (25min): —————————————————

  1. **Understanding Love**: How do we show that we want what’s best for each other, and how can we do it better?
  1. **Choosing to Love**: When have we chosen to love each other during tough times, and how did it help us?
  1. **Unity and Commitment**: How do we make each other feel uniquely special, and how can we make our commitment stronger?
  1. **Openness to Life**: How do we handle changes in our family, and how do our views on this affect our relationship?
  1. **Daily Commitment**: What daily actions remind us of our commitment to each other, and what new habits can we add?
  1. **Communication Styles**: How are our communication styles different, and how can we make sure we both feel heard?
  1. **Avoiding Miscommunication**: What common communication mistakes do we make, and how can we avoid them?
  1. **Prioritizing Each Other**: How do we prioritize each other’s needs, and how can we give more to make each other happy?
  1. **Balancing Sharing**: How do we balance sharing and holding back in our conversations to keep our connection strong?
  1. **Clarifying Expectations**: Do we have any unspoken expectations, and how can we talk about them to avoid misunderstandings?

 

Our resolutions before next meeting?